The Absolute Worst Piece of Literature, Ever

by Brendan Buckely

One small toss of a bagel, one giant leap in quality of life for a 7-11 employee

I deem myself to be a good person. I am a true gift to humanity. My existence on this earth and presence in society is a blessing to everyone else. Civilization reaps the rewards of my being on a consistent and continual basis. Late last night, I walked into 7-11 with a clear cut focus. I picked up a bagel from the basket, walked a few feet, threw it at the man behind the counter, then bolted out of there.

The former paragraph may have you thinking “Buckley is a drunk immature asshole; why am I reading this?” Yet, I would argue that you are intrigued by my slightly above average use of vocabulary, and bet you will read this whole post. That said, let us sit, blog connoisseur, and further analyze my course of action last night.

Think about the employee. If you find yourself laboring at 7-11, guess what: You fucked up. I know, such a glorious position may constitute envy from societies of people such as: crackheads (so cliche!), guys who wear ed hardy, students of Devry University, and most people who surf Manasquan Inlet. But, to the rest of us, a position at 7-11 is worse than being Richard Simmons’ yoga mat. What brought this man to give up on the good old American dream and stoop to this convenience store low? I can not answer that. But what brings him to continue to accept this choice of employment? I can answer that. Lack of ambition.

Disturbances can be of great benevolence. They alter the way we think, and can bear the gifts of appreciation and perspective. Sometimes, it takes a near fatal car crash to make people appreciate their lives. In other cases, it may take a drunkenly pitched bagel to the chest to motivate you to strive for improvement in your general quality of life. My course of action was an absolute and direct attempt towards the betterment of this man’s life. My intention was for the bagel to be the portly, english as a second language, front desk stationed woman on the other end of the line for this man’s wake up call, metaphorically. My intentions, both honest are pure, were that because of the incident, this man would say fuck this, get a degree (not from Devry), and have a nice house with a fence, complimented by a beautiful wife, two children, and an SUV within a decade.

The point is: Should you ever find yourself clad in beer soaked attire, bagel in hand, employee in sight, I urge you to make the right the call. Just know, years later, your target will be watching Dog the Bounty Hunter’s E True Hollywood Story on their brand new flatscreen from their Italian leather sofa, and it will all be a result of your kind heart.

God bless.

Sam Adams is a rapper. I think he is a gaylord.

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12 Responses to The Absolute Worst Piece of Literature, Ever

  1. parno says:

    new surf – this post, core score down. i feel dumber.

  2. parno says:

    that sounded harsh! im sorry

  3. The bagel armed hellman says:

    I would expect such a cold response from Sam Adams, or any given student of Devry. I was just trying to provide a contrast from the “the waves were oh so good, my wetsuit was oh so flexible, then i got out and put on my shades and they were oh so polarized” mundanities that populate most surf related websites. Sorry you didn’t like it, Sam.

    PS- Did you care to read the title?

  4. tyler says:

    Parno – critiquing then apologizing 10 minutes later… core score down ! Christopher Columbus – stray from the norm ! Good ….. a lot of those dudes own those places …. unless they’re white !

    Let’s start a book club !

  5. the prophet says:

    hahahahahhaha i love it all… PArno… BURRRRNNNNNNNN

  6. parno says:

    this is fantastic! armed bagel man i salute you!

  7. This didn’t provoke near as much response as I had hoped. Parno don’t backpedal, you threw hot mashed potatoes at the Bagel Bandit, there’s no take backs on the internet.

  8. parno says:

    bagel bro…many moons ago a white man name Christopher Columbus came to new world. With him he brought european ideals and morals. What he did not bring was a compassion for the native american way of life. A way of life that had sustained these people for thousands of years. Columbus viewed the natives as savage and primitive, apparently lacking any sort of advanced intellect. The type of intellect propagated by the ‘civilized’ white european. Columbus felt it was necessary to impose his way of life upon the native americans because he felt it would help them. However his complete lack of respect for their ways and pompous ignorance ultimately began a long, creul and utterly inhumane demise of the native american people. Bagel bro, perhaps your a Christopher Columbus and the 7-11 clerk is a native american. Throw away and your ignorance and learn to drink from the well of compassion my friend.

  9. The bagel armed hellman says:

    Dearest Parnbro,
    Thank you for reiterating a story that has been told many a time, by many a culture savvy individual. The irony lies in the fact that America’s tag line is the land of the free, whereas the country was founded on revoking the freedom of others based on their opposing, yet beautiful, and arguably better, way of life. Look at this country now: oil spills, economic instability, political corruption, and the kardashian sisters with their own tv show. Some great philosophers of the future may even suggest that the founding of this country served as a foreshadowing prelude to the problems we now face. Which, in turn, may lead to the downfall of this land of the free, especially if a tidal wave hits New York City, like in that heinous movie…

    But until then, I’m going to eat my God damn cheeseburger, drive my God damn SUV, and throw my God damn bagel… Until some superior individual navigates his futuristic ship to our home, tells us we suck, rapes and murders and belittles us, then gets a day in October named after himself.

  10. Luke says:

    Wow, I am enlightened and confused all at the same time. Thanks for the laugh boys!

  11. Luke says:

    PS: I side with this bagel dude

    Parno, core score def down, good call ty

  12. Pingback: Road to Recovery With Brendan Buckley and Phillip Mansfield | The New Surf

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